The Brand Corporation

Our busy Australian office faced an interesting challenge earlier this year when it was hired by the A-League, the local professional Soccer championship, to improve the image of the game and its’ players as it began a new season.

The main challenge identified by our strategists during extensive focus group discussions was to turn around the perception of A-League players as “Wusses,” “Turd Burglers,” and “Soft Cocks” to something on par with the more masculine image of other codes such as Rugby League and Australian Rules.

Taking an innovative approach, our Australian office proposed a reality TV series which would put some of the A-League’s top players first into the jungles of Burma on a grueling two week survival-or-die marathon, and then into a motorised race of death around the famous Bathurst motor racing circuit.

The genius of this strategy was that it not only put our campaign right into Australian living rooms, but made a nice little profit on the side from TV Network rights and syndication.

Sadly the natural, and unnatural, attrition rate during the Burma phase of the campaign was a little high. Our production team had failed to take into account the fact that the main location for the shoot was right in the heart of the golden triangle, leading to several fire fights, torture, permanent maiming and even the death of several of the A-Leagues biggest stars.

Sydney FC striker John Aloisi engages in a celebratory crotch-grab after a succesful tackle on a rival player. The blood is testament to our strict 'no diving' policy during the Burmese phase of the campaign

Our instant rise into the stratosphere of the global marketing zeitgeist has been making a lot of people in the industry wonder who and what, exactly, is The Brand Corporation.

It started as the dream of our founding patriarch the late General Douglas Errol Fairbanks MacArthur III, a decorated war hero, politician, inventor of the self-saucing Camel steak and marketing pioneer.

The roots of The Brand Corporation go deep into the soil of South Korea, South East Asia and North Africa. Driven there by Gen. MacArthur’s early efforts to convince colonial governments the world over of the advantages of biological warfare franchising.

Since those pioneering days our philosophy of Total Marketing™ has penetrated every level of the geopolitical strata, spawning many imitators and influencing global events in the 20th and 21st centuries.

Our marketing efforts for Dow Chemical ensured that the US Air Force and Army Air Corps were well supplied with Napalm before America’s full engagement in Vietnam. The Arab-Israeli Yom Kippur War of 1973 wouldn’t have been possible without our tireless efforts on behalf of Chrysler and Omsktransmash to push the M48 Patton and T-55 tanks into new markets in the Jewish and Arab world.

Napalm was one of The Brand Coroporations earliest marketing triumphs, seen here obliterating a suspicious VC shrubbery emplacement near Dien Bien Phu, circa 1967

Looking back at our McCain/Palin campaign, it’s hard to see how it could have been better. Our board has declared it an unparalleled success and an unquestioned win for everyone involved.

But lets not take anything away from the ‘other’ historic win for America’s first ever terrorist president. The turnaround from 9/11 pariah to November 4 hero has been a uniquely American success story for Barack Sadam Bin Laden Son of Sam Obama.

Long thought to be the ‘black object’ seen emerging from United Airlines flight 175 just before it slammed into the south tower of the World Trade Center, Barack Lex Luther Ho Chi Minh Obama has lived the American Dream, coming full circle from insurgent to incumbent.

A black object is photographed leaving flight 175 immediately prior to impact

Once the “Patriot Recruitment” phase of the operation was complete, the strategic element of our plan was brought into play. This involved the implementation of a set of Hyper-Policies™ tailor-made for an unprecedented guerrilla marketing campaign.

Tapping directly into America’s love affair with nostalgia, we did nothing less than bring back the glory days of bonded labor! Flooding America with a whole new generation of fresh, hot, African-Americans untainted by years of Democrat pandering, rap music and drug abuse.

We chose Sarah to take the lead with this initiative, and we were eager to throw her into the challenge of both winning over the existing African-American population, as well as enervating the potential new arrivals.

Animatronic minorities give the impression of diversity at a Palin rally. The technology is not foolproof however, these two units went berzerk and had to be tarred, feathered and strung up from a hastily assembled gallows in front of an appreciative audience